The second vampire walks into the bar and says, “Bartender, give me a shot of blood.” The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The third vampire walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me a shot of water.”

The bartender says, “Why do you want a shot of water?”

The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, “Tea time.”

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for everything.”

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he’s in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No, what?” replies the guy.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

I wish I was mad
Fucked up and done
I wish I was bad
And completely wrong

I wish I was made
Rebuilt-up and fake
I wish I could lie
And never could fail

And live some beautiful days
In a magical place
Beautiful loves
Perfect and straight
Beautiful days
In a magical place
A new dream is born
The new freaks have come

I wish I was fast
And crazy as a dog
I wish I could last
As long as the gods

I wish I could be
Perfectly free
Wish I was a creep
Wish I made you bleed

And live some beautiful days
In a magical place
Beautiful loves
Perfect and straight
Beautiful days
In a magical place
A new dream is born
The new freaks have come
Beautiful days
In a magical place
Beautiful loves
Perfect and straight

Beautiful days

—-
“Oi, teate milline armuke mul on!”
“Miks Sa seda meile räägid?”
“Noh, tahtsin teiega oma rõõmu jagada…”
“Mis passid siis? Too oma rõõm siia ja jaga!”
—–

Klassijuhataja kurdab direktorile:”Ohh, see Juku! Suitsetab, joob, lööb tüdrukutele külge ja õppimisest ei hooli üldse!”
“Pole hullu, kutsuge ta siia,” vastab direktor.
Juku tuleb.
Direktor:”Suitsetad?”
“Jah, Primat vahest..”
“Ole lahke,” ning ulatab poisile paki Dunhilli.
“Ooh, kui mõnus suits,” mõnuleb Juku.
“Jood?”
“Jah, õllet ja viina vahest..”
“Ole lahke,” ning ulatab poisile pudeli Hennessyt.
“Oooh, kui mõnus jook,” mõnuleb Juku edasi.
“Aga tüdrukutega?”
“Ahh, seal naabri Mann ja..”
Direktor kutsub kabinetti sekretäri ning jätab ta Jukuga omapead. Mõne aja pärast tuleb tagasi kabinetti, Juku omadega täitsa läbi.
“Ooohh, küll see oli alles naine,” mõmiseb ta.
“…ja et seda kõike saavutada, pead õppima, õppima ja veel kord õppima!” lisab direktor.
—–

“Miks naised meestega võrdsed ei ole?”
“Nad ei suuda kiilakana ning õllekõhuga tänaval kõndida ja ikka veel arvata, et on veetlevad.”
—–

Blondiin helistab õhtul Gaasiabisse:”Halloo! Lülitasin pliidi juba hommikul sisse, aga gaas ei põle!”
“Kas te tiku ikka süütasite?”
“Oihh.. No kohe süütan!”
—–

Järgmisel hommikul küsis mees, mis kell ma koju jõudsin? 12:00, oli minu vastus. Ta ei paistnud üldse midagi kahtlustavat. Siis aga ütles, “Me peame oma käokella välja vahetama. “Kui ma küsisin, mispärast, vastas ta, “Eile öösel kukkus kägu kolm korda, siis ütles ‘oh sa perse’, kukkus veel neli korda, köhis hääle puhtaks, kukkus veel kolm korda, itsitas ja kukkus veel kaks korda. Siis komistas kassi otsa ja peeretas…”

Leitud Friizu blogist.

“Bluebird”

A poem is like a good beer shit

Mickey n more